Posted by E.S. Wynn
Virgin Wars
By David Edward Nell
Lilica dropped to her bed and smiled seductively at a boy she'd picked up at a night club. "I want you, Harry," she said. "Do you want me?"
"Phwoar, lass," he remarked, and without a moment's hesitation, Harry took off his jacket and draped his body across hers.
But then she interrupted the moment. "Do I look fat?"
"No, babe, you look fit."
"Do you like me?" she asked him.
"Very much so," he said, excitedly.
"What do you like about me?"
"You're hot, and I really like your personality, too."
"So you think I'm attractive?"
"Bloody gorgeous," he said, brushing back her red hair.
"If I had an accident and became disfigured, would you still go out with me?"
"Of course I would," Harry forced out his answer.
"Would you go out with someone else if I died in said accident?"
"No," he lied.
"Would you marry me?"
Harry paused. "Yes."
"Would you give me your whole salary every month after we get married?"
Harry bit his lip. "Okay, sure." He went for the buttons on her blouse, but she held his hand.
"What would you do if I cheated on you?" Lilica asked.
"I'd still be loyal to you, I guess," he said.
"Harry, what's the best sex you ever had?"
Harry's face went red. "You're my first, to be honest."
"Ever had a girlfriend?"
"Yes. Once."
"Was she prettier than me?"
"No, you're so much prettier, gorgeous." He went for her buttons again. Again she stopped him.
"What are you thinking right now?" she asked. "Be honest."
"I'm thinking of getting into your pants."
"How much do you really love me, Harry?"
"I'll love you until the end of time, in'it? Or at least, until this is done."
"Then say your name," she whispered to him.
"Harry," he replied.
"Say it backwards," she insisted.
"Yrrah," he said.
"Say it in the voice of Darth Vader," she said.
Harry put on a deep voice, "Harry."
"Say it in a really squeaky voice."
Harry did so. "Harry."
"Now say my name, but without putting your tongue against the top of your mouth, and do that while solving a complex equation in your head," she said.
Harry was able to do it.
"Tell me about the Azusa Street Revival," she ordered.
"The Azusa Street Revival was a Pentecostal meeting that took place in California between rival spiritual movements, and is known to be the origin of the Pentecostal movement. Led by William Seymour, it began with a meeting in 1906 and continued until 1915. The revival was notorious for incorporating dramatic worship services with speaking in tongues and supposed miracles. The spiritual revolutionaries of this movement were heavily criticised by Christian theologians and the secular media for their unorthodox behaviour, especially for its period. The revival--"
She put her finger to his lips. "Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?"
"It is," he replied.
"How would you map pure nothingness in space?"
"To map something you must have reference and observation. There must be a predefined, agreed-upon, non-fluctuating unit of measure. For example, since the curvature of space is a fold, and because the speed of transfer bends beyond physically observed speed of light, we can conclude that between a pair of twin photons, there is nothing. Therefore, nothingness can be mapped."
"What is the most difficult thing in the world?" she asked.
Harry thought about it for a minute, then replied, "Well, to understand the self would certainly be the most difficult. Once a person understands oneself, most of one's difficulties would be over since one would then have a clear and true path to walk. By fully understanding oneself, one would understand others and live comfortably. However, it could also be said that in order to understand the self, one would first need to understand others."
She growled playfully. "Charcoal or gas grills?"
"Charcoal, because the food tastes better, and that smoked flavour is impossible to replicate with gas grills. Charcoal grills are also less expensive. It's easier to find portable charcoal grills for trips. And cooking over charcoal becomes a family event."
"I disagree," she said. "Starting a charcoal fire can be difficult on rainy days. Charcoal grills are messy. I'd say gas grills are far better. Starting a gas grill is as easy as merely pushing a button. Also, flames and temperatures can be fine-tuned, and it's really easy to clean up."
"And yet the food doesn't taste the same as compared to charcoal grilling; gas grills are more expensive; and if you run out of gas, you're screwed, in'it?"
"In the end, gas grills are more environmentally friendly."
"Maybe, but nothing compares to charcoal grilling, in my humble opinion."
He reached for her buttons.
"Wait," she told him. "Liberal or conservative?"
"Conservative."
She scoffed. "Liberals support people being socially free, and have a greater willingness to work towards reforms which help improve humanity and preserve the planet."
"But Liberals do not support economic freedom, with your heavy-handed regulations that don't make the people or market safer, while Conservatives take fiscal responsibility, and--"
"Conservatives don't support social freedom."
"Conservatives tolerate people," he spat.
"Tolerate yet restrict rights," she corrected.
"Let's leave the argument there," he reasoned.
Lilica commanded him, "Become older."
Harry became a more mature man with a balding head.
"Grow a moustache," she said.
Harry snapped his head back and returned with a thick moustache.
"Smaller," she said.
Harry's moustache became thinner.
"That's how I like it. Now meet my family."
Harry turned to his right, where Lilica's parents were smiling and waving. "Hello," he greeted them.
"Now do a magic trick," she said.
Harry jumped up to the front of the bed and presented a black box. Waving his wand and reciting a spell, he opened the black box, and a woman in glittering apparel leapt forth. "Tada," Harry said. Then he quickly rejoined Lilica, slobbering and staring at her buttons. Finally, he had a chance to undo them. Four buttons, then three buttons, then two buttons were left. But before he could continue, Lilica stopped him once more.
"Wait," she said.
"What now?"
"Do you really want to get into my pants?"
"Yes."
"At what speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
"I'll keep it in manual control for a while, slow and steady."
"Just don't go to the south entrance."
"I don't intend to."
"So take off my pants instead."
Harry did as she said and found a pair of panties with a face of Luke Skywalker on it. "I didn't think you were that big of a fan," he frowned.
"Do you have a problem with that, Harry?"
"Actually, yes. Luke Skywalker? Star Wars? Bah."
"Hope you aren't put off. I thought you wanted this," she said.
"I do."
"So make Luke go, Harry."
"Are you sure?" he asked.
"One thing, though. It's dangerous."
"I don't care. I can't stand to see his face anymore."
"Do it, then."
Harry did away with Luke Skywalker. But it wasn't what he expected. Eyes bulging out in horror, Harry fell off the bed as one of her semi-sentient tentacles rubbed against his hand. "What the bloody hell is that?" he said.
"I told you it would be dangerous," she said. "Sarlacc doesn't like visitors."
Harry fumbled for one of her toy light sabers and pointed it at her.
"It's not long enough, Harry," she said. "You'll never defeat Sarlacc with that measly thing."
"No, you know what? I don't need this saber," Harry threw it aside, "because I'm a Star Trek guy."
She laughed mockingly. "As if this gives you power over Sarlacc."
"I know the Vulcan Nerve Pinch," he said.
Lilica gasped, dreading what was to come.
- - -
David Edward Nell writes from Cape Town, South Africa and can be touched at http://davidedwardnell.blogspot.com .
