How I Found Out Who Killed Kennedy
By Edward T. Keller


I used to play the bagpipes when I was a Scotsman, to this day I sometimes try to blow into cow’s udders to make music. In fact, they arrested me just a month ago - charged me with milk theft. I challenged them to check the contents of my stomach, to prove that I hadn’t drunk any of the milk.

The medical examiner used to be an Ancient Egyptian, to this day he tries to shove pencils up patient’s noses – an atavism from his days of mummifying. I told him Scotsmen never surrender. In desperation, he shoved the pencils up his own nose.

I offered him a hankie to dub the brains running out of his nostrils. “Zang you” he said with a nasal accent. But wait! I thought. Maybe this is not a nasal accent - maybe the pencils have activated a German matrix?

After a few experiments I found that if I gave the right pencil a gentle twist, the good doctor spoke Dutch, and if I gave the left pencil a twist, the Dutch was slowly superseded by Norwegian. If I twisted both pencils, and angled them slightly to the left, I could catch shortwave radio transmissions from the early sixties.

And this is how I came to know who killed Kennedy.


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